Are you ready for some football?

Female soccer players always throw off my gaydar. Always. Take, for instance, Team USA above. I mean, sure they’ve got tank tops and arm porn and alternative-lifestyle haircuts. But what’s really throwing me off is their mad swagger. Not artificial swagger, like unnecessary limps or ridiculous grandstanding. No, the swagger that comes from years and years of getting kicked in the shins. From running up and down a 100-yard field more times than you can count. From sweat and concentration and grit and grass stains embedded in your skin. Soccer is fucking hard work. So when you’re good, you’ve got natural swagger. And that, that’s hot. It’s also hot that when the women score they tend to jump, legs first, into their teammates’ arms. Any sport that celebrates by hugging each other with your legs in friendship is a sport I want to watch. So to honor of the Women’s World Cup and all those amazing ladies with mad swagger, how about a little lady leg action?

Team EnglandSo much for English reserve.

Team JapanThe leg wrap here is especially impressive.

Team Equatorial GuineaWell, this just looks like we’re interrupting a private moment.

Team England, againSeriously, what’s in the tea over there?

Team SwedenSometimes hugging can cross precariously into mounting – not that I mind.

Team NorwayOK, ladies, time to get a room.

Of course, this being Tuesday and me being a giver, I didn’t want to ignore all the quality tank top action happening either. Sure they’ve got great legs, but these ladies are also packing some serious guns.

Hope Solo, USANever has the fact that goalies get to use their hands seemed more delicious.

Abby Wambach, USAExtra bonus point for the tongue.

Jessica Landström, SwedenGorgeous, gay and ohmygod those guns. Also, she’s our mounty friend No. 9 above. Did I mention she’s my new favorite player?

p.s. For more on the lovely Ms. Landström and the other out players in the 2011 Women’s World Cup, check out AfterEllen this week up now.