Bullseye, ladies

Archery is hot. I mean, if the Girl on Fire does it, you know it’s got to be hot. But “The Hunger Games” is not the first nor more than likely the last film to bring us female heroines brandishing bows and arrows. Plenty of cinematic and real-life heroines have taken aim with one of mankind’s oldest weapons. And I’ll tell you a little secret about myself, I loved archery growing up. I didn’t do it a lot because I lived in town and my parents had this thing about not accidentally shooting the neighbors and all. But I went to a summer camp a few years in a row and my absolute favorite activity was archery. Something about drawing back that string and feeling the bow flex mixed power, grace and physics in an intoxicating way. I also liked the crisp thump sounds the arrow made as it hit its hay target. So here are a few other ladyies of the longbow to take their place beside Katniss Everdeen.

Keira KnightleyShe picked up a bow as Guinevere in “King Arthur.” I’m not sure how a bare midriff helped her aim, but everyone has her own method I suppose.

Natalie PortmanJust to keep the “Is it Natalie or Keira” confusion going, she did her own movie as bow-and-arrow wielding warrior in “Your Highness.”

Lena HeadeyI’m thinking up a zany crossover movie where Lena’s flower girl Luce from “Imagine Me & You” and huntress Angelika from “The Brothers Grimm” go on a road trip and to rescue fairy tale characters and kiss pretty girls. Fine, admittedly I haven’t thought it through very much.

Anna PopplewellI really loved the “Chronicles of Narnia” growing up, but it wasn’t exactly brimming with strong female heroines. Thank heavens for Susan Pevensie and her trusty bow and arrow.

Jessica Biel“Blade Trinity” was not a good movie. But it did introduce us to Jessica Biel’s magnificent shoulder muscles. And for that the universe will forever be grateful.

Jennifer Garner“Elektra” was not a good movie either. And not even seeing Jennifer prance around in a crime-fighting wardrobe made by Victoria’s Secret could make me thank the universe for it.

Jennifer LawrenceJennifer trained with a four-time Olympian and arching champion for her role in “The Hunger Games.” But I don’t think that’s why all the showings I wanted to go to were sold out this weekend.

Stana KaticDid you know besides speaking like half a dozen languages she also enjoys flamenco, falconry and a little archery on the side? Don’t worry, PETA, I don’t think she practices her archery and falconry at the same time.

Geena DavisGeena is another real-live archer, who even tried out for the 2000 Olympics team. She didn’t make the team, but that’s OK because she already has some gold hardware named Oscar at home.

Lucy LiuI have no idea why she’s using a bow and arrow while wearing this jaunty little outfit, but I entirely approve.

Christina HendricksLikewise, I have no idea why Christina is posing seductively in a spiked leather jacket with a bow and arrows. But, again, not complaining.

Princess MeridaI dork out so hard when I think about this movie, you guys. I am so ready to be “Brave.”

Tank Top Tuesday

The beauty of the tank top is multifold. Form-fitting, sheer, cool, hot, practical, clingy. It is many things in many ways to many people. But one of its near-magical qualities is its ability to transform the wearer. It’s not about looks, though it does look great, but more about attitude. Sometimes when a woman puts on a tank top her shoulders straighten, her jaw sets, her eyes focus. She has a swagger. She no longer cares about being soft. In short, she butches up a bit. It’s hot as hell. Don’t believe me? Well, that’s why I always bring along photographic evidence.

Jennifer Garner
Cote de Pablo
Scarlett Johansson
Cate Blanchett
Olivia Wilde
Laura Sanchez
Clea DuVall
Rosario DawsonI rest my case.

Gender Fuck Thursday: Special Agents

She runs. She jumps. She shoots. She looks damn good in a suit. Oh, secret agent lady. Come question me, I have information of national interest – in my pant. (Yes, yes – groan.) Piper Perabo made her debut this week into this most elite of groups. Ladies who speak softly and carry confidential credential – and a big gun, of course. In “Covert Affairs” Piper plays a young CIA trainee who gets upgraded to the big show a month early. Why? She speaks six languages. Why, really? She speaks six languages and can pass for a hooker. Why, really really? She speaks six languages and can pass for a hooker and while traveling in Sri Lanka had a brief but passionate affair with a man who said he was an English teacher but turns out to be wanted by the CIA for some reason. The show isn’t perfect, but it is plucky. And Piper, well, I’ve mentioned she looks great in a suit, right?

So in honor of Piper joining the sisterhood, how about a very special Gender Fuck Thursday welcome featuring the ladies in suits who put the “special” in “agent.”

CIA Agent Annie Walker (Piper Perabo), “Covert Affairs”If past is precedent, in one of her assignments she’ll play a lesbian.

FBI Agent Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster),
“Silence of the Lambs”Jodie was kind of born to wear a suit and a scowl, no?

FBI Special Agent Dana Scully (Gillian Anderson),
“The X-Files”Speaking of scowl, no one shoots a better skeptical one than Scully.

CIA Agent Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski), “Chuck”Bonus points for the suit and glasses.

FBI Special Agent Renee Walker (Annie Wersching), “24”
If you play an agent odds are you’ll either be named Walker or have red hair, or both.

FBI Agent Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv), “Fringe”Someone tell me that the truth is there is Agent Dunham and Agent Scully fanfic out there.

CIA Field Agent Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner), “Alias”I wonder if she kept the red wig.

FBI Special Agent Emily Prentiss (Paget Brewster), “Criminal Minds”Good they’re bringing her back, even if not for every episode.

NCIS Field Agent Ziva David (Cote de Pablo), “NCIS”Leather jackets totally count.

Spanish Police Agent Pepa Miranda (Laura Sánchez),
“Los Hombre de Paco”Granted, this is really a vest, but I choose not to quibble with people who have guns.

EDIT: Heavens, I did forget FBI Special Agent Janis Hawk (FlashForward) and Secret Service Agent Myka Bering (Warehouse 13). I must clearly be punished. Any takers?

Don’t be mine

Now I know that just as you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, it’s unfair to judge a movie by its trailer. But fairness is apparently now the trademarked domain of Fox News (at least that’s what the notes I scribbled on my palm say), so let’s judge away. Here’s the thing, “Valentine’s Day” looks awful. Like that Valentine’s Day candy that comes in the enormous, glossy, heart-shaped box awful. It’s sweet, it’s shiny, it’s expensive but inside it’s filled with nothing but those awful strawberry creams that make you gag after two bites. Harsh? I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the biggest fan of Valentine’s Day, haven’t I?

I’m very rarely a fan of the Americanized version of anything British. They have the better accents and the ability to be charming while stuttering. They have high tea, we have Ho-Hos. So every time the sunny, star-filled trailer for “Valentine’s Day” plays my heart cringes. Look, I know “Love Actually.” “Love Actually” is one of my favorite movies. “Valentine’s Day,” you’re no “Love Actually.”

Case in point:

Love Actually

Valentine’s Day

Yeah, no comparison.

There are downgrades and then there are downgrades. Going from Colin Firth to Ashton Kutcher is the latter. Not that I have anything personally against the, what, 600 big-name movie stars in “Valentine’s Day.” Anne Hathaway, lovely. Jennifer Garner, so girl next doory you’d think she actually lived next door. Jessica Biel, you’ve seen her in a tank top, right? It’s the forced combination in a movie by Garry Marshall (a man who wields romance like a club), that makes me uncomfortable. I mean, did you hear they’ve already working on a sequel called “New Year’s Eve?” Welcome to Love, The Brand. No, thank you.

Also, “Valentine’s Day” purposely de-gays the gay couple (that’d be Bradley Cooper and Eric Dane) in the trailer. So, you know, BOO!

What made “Love Actually” so universally heartwarming was its all-too-human elements. It never felt calculated or corporatized. It never featured a couple with the same first name, where they weren’t also of the same sex. But it did have Emma Thompson. Any film with Emma Thompson will always and forever win out over any film that doesn’t. Period. Laugh that big, loud, trademark laugh of yours all you want, Julia Roberts. You know it’s true.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, enjoy your big, gooey-centered Hollywood extravaganza if you must. Which, inevitably, will be followed by “New Year’s Eve,” “Thanksgiving Dinner,” “Fourth of July” and “Secretary’s Day.” But know that I’ll be at home rewatching “Love Actually” and swooning all over again. Love is all around, you just need to know where to look.

Tank Top Tuesday

This past weekend was crazy hot. So hot, I took all of my dead-of-summer clothes out of the drawers they were hibernating in, wrinkled and confused. Which, of course, got me thinking about tank tops. My upper arms aren’t ready for tank tops yet. They’re still pasty and doughy from a long winter of hiding underneath long sleeves and longer jackets. Which, of course, got me thinking about working out. Which then, of course, got me thinking about fitness inspirations. Which, as luck would have it, brought me back to the tank top. Life has a wonderful way of circling back on itself. My picks and why.

Jackie Warner, duh. Jillian Michaels, duh for brunettesJennifer Garner, girl-next-door duhEvangeline Lilly, island duhAli Larter, double duhJada Pinkett-Smith, those arms duh

[And, yes, that really is Jada with her band Wicked Wisdom.]