Just walk away

I’m not an ass girl. This I’ll freely admit. But, this does not mean I cannot appreciate a fine ass, especially as it walks away. And it’s harder to think of a finer posterior than that of one Joan Holloway. Sure, she has an equally superior anterior. But it’s that little sashay that Christina Hendricks gives to Joan, especially when leaving a room, that really makes me swoon. So, what finer way to start off a work week than by leading from the rear. Ahem. Exit, stage rump.

[Hat tip, The Linster for unearthing this delectable compilation.]

Happy Monday, kittens. Now walk away, slowly.

Move over, HBrO

HBO – the network of “The Sopranos” and “Six Feet Under” and “Deadwood” and “Entourage” and “Boardwalk Empire” and a lot of other big mostly male-centered dramatic ensembles – has two new shows coming up that decidedly kick that trend. Kick it right in the lady business. “Girls” and “Veep” are two new half-hour comedies coming to the premium cable network in April. And both are intriguing for their subject matter and the fact that they are unmistakably female-centered series. HBO really hasn’t had many of those since “Sex and the City” left the air in 2004. In fact the only one by my count before and since then has been “Enlightened” starring Laura Dern which debuted last year and will be back for its second season this year. (You can try to count “True Blood,” but let’s be honest – that show’s all about the pretty boy vampires.) Just call them HBrO.

It’s also interesting to note that rival premium channel Showtime has made a bit of a name for itself in recent years going the opposite route. They’ve created rich, complex shows centered around women. “Weeds,” “Nurse Jackie,” “United States of Tara,” “The Big C,” “Homeland” and, lest we forget, “The L Word.” So call it progress or call it wanting to recoup an ignored segment of the market share, HBO is hopping on the estrogen train.

Now, I’m intrigued by both shows. The first is “Girls,” debuting April 15. It’s from filmmaker Lena Dunham. It’s title is fairly self-explanatory. It follows four young 20something women as they navigate, more life fumbling through, life in New Your City. The trailer looks promising, but also makes me cringe like crazy. Because you couldn’t pay me to be 24 again either. Especially 24 like this.

My only qualms about this show are 1) the cringe factor – I’m not sure how much I want to relive the mistakes of youth played out for laughs and 2) Four women in New York City and no one has a friend of a different ethnicity? That’s a lotta white girls for the biggest melting pot in the United States of America.

The other show is “Veep,” debuting April 22. It stars Julia Louis-Dreyfus as the first female vice president. And Anna Chlumsky is also a series regular, so that answers the question of “What every happened to that girl from 'My Girl'?” From the trailer it looks pretty damn funny. I wasn’t really sold on the premise alone, but after watching the clips I’m setting my DVR.

Like a zanier “The West Wing,” but without the sneaking suspicion that President Bartlet did a crappy job raising Charlie Sheen.

Like their slogans says, it’s not TV, it’s ladies on HBO – finally.

Wicked game

“Game Change” is a movie that does the impossible. It made me feel a little sorry for Sarah Palin. I know – inconceivable! Like many a political junkie this week I watched HBO’s “Game Change,” the big-screen adaptation of the book by the same name about the rise and fall of the McCain-Palin ticket. And it was equal parts fascinating and frightening, entertaining and empty. While I’m sure certain liberties were taken by both the writers and filmmakers (p.s. Did you know Danny Strong, a.k.a. Jonathan from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” wrote the script?), the film’s dishy details are less troubling than its broader implications. Namely the sad truth that all too often in the political arena potentially world-altering decisions are made based solely on cavalier and craven reasoning.

Make no mistake, Sarah Palin was not picked for her record as a less-than-one-term governor of Alaska. She was not picked for her foreign or domestic policy expertise. She was not picked for her name recognition. She was not picked because of her capabilities or intellect or ambition. She was picked because she was a woman. Which, if we’re going to talk sexism, hello there.

Which brings me back to the feeling sorry for Palin stuff. Not for long, mind you. But for longer than I ever imagined. Much of this – heck, probably 99.9 percent of this – I credit to the wonderful Julianne Moore. Her portrayal is richly nuanced and delicately layered. This is far more than mimicry, this is an attempt to understand exactly what is ticking under that Bump-It. And through her we watch Palin transform from a folksy deer in headlights to a savage political powermonger. Did Palin know she was in over her head? Almost certainly. Do I feel bad someone so out of her element was thrown into the deep end of national arena? Sure, some. Do I think McCain comes off too scott-free in the campaign’s collapse? Pretty definitely. Do I think Palin got a taste for the spotlight and decided to hold onto it at all costs? You betcha.

Which is not to say that I have a problem with Palin’s ambition. I do not. Women should be allowed to be ambitious, and nakedly so, just like men. All too often we talk differently about women’s ambition than men’s ambition. Women are pushy. Men are bold. Women are nags. Men are particular. So on and so on. God, it’s tiring.

What I have a problem with about Palin is her basic lack of competency, willful zealotry and calculating use of divisive politics. One of the biggest problems with politics today is we tend to demonize the opposition. Our side is all good, their side all bad. One side is right, the other wrong. Side of angels, side of devils. And so on and so forth. It’s a lousy way to run a country. Without compromise, two opposing sides will never agree to do anything. How can they – when the other side is evil. Or at least they want you to believe the other side is evil. As a strategy. As a way to distract us from what matters.

So when the McCain-Palin ticket says Barack Obama pals around with terrorists, it’s not much of a leap is it for whipped up crowds to call him a terrorist himself. Or when Palin draws imaginary borders around what she considers “the real America,” it’s not hard to paint the rest of us as simply un-American. And that, that’s what I despise about Sarah Palin. Not that she’s an ambitious woman. Not that she’s found some degree of success. It’s that she’s making our political discourse worse, not better.

That’s why a movie like “Game Change” really matters. It’s not the gossipy backstabbing and musical blame-game. It’s peeling back the layers to see what makes a person tick, and what makes our politicians work. It shows us real American politics – and no matter how pretty it smiles, it’s all-too-often ugly underneath.

This kiss

Hey, it’s March. And, now that I lost that hour of sleep, also officially spring. Well, spring in my book at least. All you sticklers for “calendars” and “equinoxes” and “facts” will tell me spring isn’t for a week still. But, you know, close enough. And in spring, a young gay lady’s fancy turns to love. And you can’t have love without kissing. And this leads me to the AfterEllen Mach Madness: Ultimate Lesbian Kissing Championships. We’re already in Round 2, and already there have been some bracket busters in my book. Now, I’m not advocating for any kiss over another. Sweet lesbian baby Jesus, do I not want to start a shipping war. I just want to celebrate kissing, period. Because kissing is, well, awesome. And lesbian kissing is the awesomest. So here are a few of my very favorite pop culture lesbian kisses. Some are still in the championships, others not. But what I want to rejoice in instead is just the joy of kissing. So pucker up. Let’s kiss.

Idgie & Ruth, “Fried Green Tomatoes”

Sure, it’s just a chaste little peck on the cheek. But that split second is the beginning. From that moment on, Idgie would do anything to see Ruth’s smile. And we know it, too. And it’s glorious.

Willow & Tara, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (Entropy, S6E18)

[Starts at 13:28]
This wasn’t Willow and Tara’s first kiss. This wasn’t Willow & Tara’s last kiss. But it was the kiss that showed more than just the love between these two women, which we always knew was there, but the passion. This was that moment that nothing else mattered, and they just had to be kissing each other. Right now.

Alice & Dana, “The L Word” (Limb from Limb, S1E13)

Of course Dana can’t marry Tonya. Of course. Because of Alice. That’s why.

Bette & Tina, “The L Word” (Let’s Get This Party Started, S5E4)

Three words: Hunger. Anguish. Love.

Naomi & Emily, “Skins” (Katie & Emily, S3E9)

Three more words: Hot. Hot. Hot.

Camille & Petra, “When Night is Falling”

When trepidation mixes with wonder, when desire overtakes fear, you have a kiss that speaks volumes while saying absolutely nothing at all.

So, kittens, now it’s your turn. Show me your smooches.

Gender Fuck Thursday: J.Mo Edition

Jennifer Morrison likes us, she really must like us. Why else would the “Once Upon a Time” star wear a full suit and tie to PaleyFest over the weekend? I mean, you know, other than that the combo looks ridiculously hot on her. And, you know, that stylish women (cough, Dietrich, cough) have a long tradition of wearing men’s formal wear to special events. And, you know, perhaps she just felt like wearing a suit. Nope, I am taking J.Mo’s impeccably tailored suit from Sunday night as a sign that she not only loves us lesbian fans, she actively ships the Swan Queen and wants us to know that in her storybook ending, Emma and Regina live happily ever after together.

Have I mentioned how much I also love her hair?

And her retro sunnies?

And the way this photo makes it look like Jennifer and Ginnifer are totally going to gay prom together?

OK, fine, maybe the suit is just a suit. But the hands pushed persistently in her pockets?

Yeah, that’s definitely a sign that she likes us.

My dear Watson

I like Lucy Liu as Watson. There, I said it. I’m all for a female sidekick to a new American Sherlock TV remake for CBS, “Elementary.” It seems, yes – I’m going to say it, elementary to me that in an industry rife with onscreen gender and racial inequality, a little character sex and ethnicity change is a good thing. Why not, it makes it a little more exciting, a little more new. Though, yes, it would be a lot more exciting and a lot more new if they made both Sherlock and Watson female characters. Now that, that would be revolutionary. If you’re going to remake a familiar pairing, why just turn it on its side? Turn it on its head and let’s all look at the world a little differently. (p.s. Those busy kids on Tumblr have already done just that. Though might I suggest Jaime Murray for Moriarty instead?)

But it seems a lot of people don’t like Lucy as Watson. Not even a little. Not even less than a little. Take, for instance, some editor at BuzzFeed. Wow, way to wave the flag for gender and ethnic diversity, guys. Hey, maybe think before you create your snarky bold-lettered macro. Because I can practically see the “Long Live White Dudes!” “We Rule Everything, Get Over It!” “No Girls Allowed” signs being hoisted now.

Other folks say why mess with tradition? Why swap the gender of established characters? Just write new female characters instead. Well I say, sure. Let’s do that. But there’s really no reason we can’t do both. People remake familiar shows because they’re familiar and therefore have a greater chance of success. That’s the whole damn point. So a show with familiar characters with new genders might stand a better chance at making it than a new show with new genders. That’s just life. As is, female-fronted buddy shows stand out because they are just that, female-fronted buddy shows – think “Rizzoli & Isles,” think “2 Broke Girls.” And then we’ve got to reach back and go “Cagney & Lacey,” Kate & Allie,” “Laverne & Shirley, “Absolutely Fabulous.”

There are and have been several famous male-female crime-solving duos. “Castle,” “Bones,” “The X-Files,” “Moonlighting,” So that wouldn’t really make “Elementary” all that different. But this would be the first interracial male-female duo. If the show makes it to air Lucy would be the only the second Asian-American actress in a leading role on an American broadcast network television. (Maggie Q on the CW’s “Nikita” is the only other one right now. Sure, we could argue about Sandra Oh on “Grey’s,” but I really think she’s part of more of an ensemble. And don’t get me started on poor Jenna Ushkowitz. From “Glee.”) So, let’s be honest, we’re due a strong Asian-American female lead – we really are.

But by far the most perplexing criticisms of this casting is that CBS has done this intentionally to eliminate the possibility of delicious, delicious gay subtext on the show. Two which I say, bahwha? No, but really, BAHWHA? Look, I will give you that CBS may be angling to create sexual chemistry and a will-they/won’t-they vibe between Sherlock & Watson. It’s the rare male-female duo show that can keep its leads from eventually getting it on like Donkey Kong. The slow tease sells. Just ask “Castle” fans.

Still that’s not the same as actively trying to quash gay subtext. To be honest, I’m pretty sure TV executives don’t give two farts about gay subtext, unless it creates internet buzz for their shows. That buzz usually means more enthusiasm and eyeballs. And while they almost never actively encourage it, I really don’t think stopping it before it starts is on their agenda. And, who says just because the leads are opposite sex there can’t still be gay subtext on the show? The thing about gay subtext is the fans create it. Sure, sometimes the writers and actors leave a very visible breadcrumb trail. But it’s the viewers who make these non-canon relationships happen. So, who is to say Holmes might not have a smoldering chemistry with the chief of police? Or Watson may make googly eyes at a female detective on the force. Or, better yet, a female Moriarty (really not kidding about Jaime Murray – think about it, CBS).

The thing is, this new Sherlock reboot could suck. There are absolutely no guarantees, regardless of casting, that it will be good or bad for that matter. But what I do know is a talented, veteran Asian-American actress has landed a role that has traditionally been filled by a white male actors in the past. So now instead of looking like it always looks, TV might look a teeny tiny bit more like me. And I am A-OK with that.

Leap of Beals

Every four years we are given one extra 24-hour period to do as we damn well please. We could be lazy, and use it as a shrine to sloth. We could be helpful, and do unto others instead of unto ourselves. We could be spontaneous, and do whatever the hell we feel like whenever the hell we feel it. But me? Me, I like to use Leap Days as a bonus day to try to right a great injustice in the world. I know, I know – please, do not stare directly into the nobility of my actions. You might lose an eye from the imaginary sword I’m using to imaginarily bestow a knighthood on myself.

So this year, with great beneficence, I have chosen to concentrate my Leap Day Injustice Righting on one of the greater injustices of our time. Yes, yes – I am talking about the tragic lack of Jennifer Beals on our televisions. There’s a sign-up sheet on the back wall for those interested in volunteering to pass out water and megaphones for the protest rally I have planned later today. Together, we can right this terrible wrong.

Some of you will fondly remember the news that Jennifer was going to guest on “Castle.” Others of you fondly remember the promo pictures of Jennifer standing next to Stana Katic while guesting on “Castle.” And still others of you fondly watched the episodes where Jennifer acted alongside Stana while guesting on “Castle.” Well, I’d like to take a moment to unite all those clearly disparate groups toward the common goal of finding Jennifer a permanent show where she is not just a guest. I know with hard work and determination we can create the change we want to see on our television sets. Because otherwise, it means we are missing seeing this on a regularly scheduled basis.


Think about your life, think about your choices, television executives. We shall overcome, comrades. Keep the faith.

Pushing Wonder

Sometimes, when scanning the channels, I am quickly reminded that there is no Brian Fuller show on television right now. And this makes me sad. Because Brian Fuller shows like “Pushing Daisies” and “Wonderfalls” had a whimsy to them that is nearly impossible to replicate. It wasn’t that they were silly, though some silly things did happen. It was that they made the absurd and fantastical into something amazing and fabulous. That’s not easy to do. I mean one show was about a gal who spoke to inanimate objects and another was about a guy who could touch the dead and bring them back to life. This is weird, but works. Another thing I miss about Brian Fuller shows is how well they are cast. Caroline Dhavernas. Tracie Thoms. Anna Friel. Kristin Chenoweth. Come on, these are some fantastic ladies. Also, “Wonderfalls” had a lesbian sister. We love a lesbian sister. So now, because I can and because we can’t watch any of his shows live right now, here’s a little reminder of what we’re missing without a Brian Fuller show on our televisions.

Wonderfalls

That lesbian sister plays prominently in this one. And, yes, the thumb-licking lady is Kari Matchett from “Covert Affairs” with brown hair. Saved you a whole day’s wondering.

Pushing Daisies

I stand by my contention that every show on TV can be made better by having Cheno sing on it. This is just a fact.

Brian Fuller’s next TV foray is a remake of “The Munsters.” Yeah, I know it sounds crazy. But so did all of his other shows. So I’ll be there. He gave us a talking smoosed-faced lion. How could I not?

The sin of sloth

I have never watched “Veronica Mars.” I know, I know. Stop yelling at me. I mean it. Stop. Hey, hey – the fetid fruit is totally uncalled for. Many, many people have already told me, commanded me, implored me to watch, and I just simply have not found the time. This, however, does not mean I have not taken the time to admire and appreciate Kristen Bell. Quite on the contrary, I find her quite nice. But, yesterday, that quire nice got stepped up to epically adorable. Because this is Kristen Bell unable to contain her joy at the fact that a sloth would be at her birthday party. If another event remotely that ridiculously cute, bordering on flat-out insane happens on “Veronica Mars,” I need to run out and but the box set immediately.

Fight through it

Hey, remember when I interviewed Zoie Palmer and she was lovely and charming and gracious and everything you’d ever hoped for? Me too! But, as I touched on ever so briefly in the interview, she’s also a bunch of other things. Funny, that’s one of them. But we all knew that already. But also badass. Yes, badass. Sure, on “Lost Girl” her skills are mostly confined to looking great in a lab coat and occasionally poking someone with a needle. But when she guested on “Nikita,” she got to show us some of her other skills. I know it’s probably wrong on every level, but watching Zoie and Maggie Q beat the shit out of each other is all kinds of hot. Hello, Monday. Now isn’t that a nice kick in the ass? Well, actually, the head.

p.s Reminder, I’m all “Lost Girl” all the time right now at AfterEllen. Season 2 SnapCaps run Tuesdays and Season 1 Rewind SnapCaps run Wednesdays. Check them out and play along, if you feel so inclined.

Castles made of hot

Dear Universe,

I realize sometimes I curse you unnecessarily. I shake my fist at your random nature. I bemoan your tendency toward chaos. I rant at your injustice and cruelty, haphazardness and loneliness. Hell, sometimes I just bitch because you’ve made it rain. But today, today I thank you from the bottom of my wee little heart for creating a confluence of such colossal comeliness that it must, in fact, be a gift. Because what else can you call when Stana Katic and Jennifer Beals are together – in one place, in one moment, in one frame – but a cosmic present of the highest order. Yet there they are, so close a few more inches and their lips would be touching. And together they will be, indeed, on Feb. 13 when they will appear on our televisions on “Castle.” When so much gorgeous happens at once, we must step back and lay grateful offerings at the feet of a mountain or base of a river. Only then will you, dear universe, know how truly awed we are by your beneficence.

I remain your ever-humble servant,
Ms. Snarker


p.s. I believe Nathan Fillion speaks for all gay ladies when he says:

Love Lobos

Heavens, I seem to have angered a whole lesbian fandom inadvertently. And one that I like a lot, at that. So yesterday, when I tweeted my surprise at Isabel & Cristina of the Spanish series “Tierra de lobos” leading the AfterEllen.com Cutest TV Couple of 2011 over Brittany & Santana of “Glee,” I did so with honest surprise. But there was no judgment, other than to say, you know, wow. And, yes, I voted for Brittana because they are one of my original ships. I really wasn’t much of a shipper before they came along, to be honest. I mean, maybe Mulder & Scully and Willow & Tara and the requisite Tina & Bette (and sundry other “The L Word” ships to a lesser degree). But otherwise, I was still a fairly passive TV watcher devoid of very strong shipper feelings. And then, bam, cheerleaders who scissor came along. So, you know, you always respect the first who made you start acting like a crazy person and entering the fandom in a big way.

So, hence, I expressed what I thought was playful surprise at the poll results so far. Thing is, “Tierra de Lobos” is a European show shot in Spanish and AE is (while it reaches a vast international audience) a U.S.-based site written in English. Anyway, that’s a long way of saying that my surprise does not mean I don’t have respect for the Isabel & Cristina (or Crisabel, ‘cause we’re all shippers here) storyline and fans. Quite the contrary. And when I tweeted, “Way to represent, Spain.” I meant, seriously, way to represent. It’s no small feat for a relatively small international show to overtake a crazy publicity snowball like “Glee.”

Again, no offense to the lovely Crisabel fans out there. Now that I’m neck-deep in shipper waters, I have to say I really root for all lesbian fandoms – actual and subtextual. And I don’t entirely understand the mentality of fandoms fighting against each other. I want all the ships to do well because more lesbian representation on TV, in all its forms, is a good thing. I also think finding subtext is just good fun, a way to help gay up the world just to our liking. And while I have my personal favorites, that certainly does not negate your favorites. Nor do I want to denigrate one fandom to pump up another. I mean, I don’t even really talk smack about Dyson from “Lost Girl.” Though I will talk smack about Finn Hudson. Oh, yes, I certainly will.

As for Crisabel, I flipped for them the moment Isabel looked through that doorway and couldn’t take her eyes off Cristina bathing as light streamed gently in over her body. (p.s. How beautifully lit is that show? So beautifully lit.) And I swooned when they finally kissed, like for real and not a make-believe neck nuzzle. And now that I’m all caught up through the betrayal, hurt, discovery, convents, S&M nuns, rescues and reunions, I have to say it is one hell of a ship. And the actresses who play Isabel & Cristina (Adriana Torrebejano and Berta Hernández, respectively) could not be more gorgeous and gorgeous together. Also, God bless that show for always finding a convenient way to get all of its gorgeous ladies to strip down to their petticoats – for the plot, of course.

If you want to catch up, here are the first few key Crisabel encounters, and then you can follow along from episode 2X07 up through 2X12 yourself here with English subtitles. (p.s. There be actual boobies ahead. And ladies kissing. Yay!)

So, no, they were not my vote for Cutest TV Couple this time. But, man, are they every something. And, because no proper fandom discussion would be complete without a proper fanvid, enjoy.

Te quiero, Crisabel fans. Te quiero. Las quiero, Crisabel fans. Las quiero. (Clearly, I do not speak Spanish and the language barrier is half the battle.)

It's time

This video has been making the rounds this week, getting passed from friend to friend and site to site. It’s lovely, just lovely and I won’t ruin anything for you if you haven’t seen it yet. And even if you have seen it, watch it again with me. I’ve watched it a good half dozen times and each time get that lump anew. But it’s a good lump, such a good lump.

You know, every time I write passionately about pop culture, someone will inevitably tell me to lighten up. It’s fiction, idiot. It’s make believe, dumbass. It’s not real, loser. Get a life! This is always terribly edifying. I’m so glad someone finally let me know. This is truly life-altering news. Next thing you’ll be telling me you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. Crazy.

Aside from wondering why these people are on a pop culture site in the first place since they’re clearly so busy doing important things with their lives like collecting unicorn tears to cure global drought, I always want to ask if they think art – even popular art – happens in a vacuum. Sure, we use it to entertain. But we also use it to illuminate, to educate, to elucidate, to fascinate. At its best it’s not just a mirror to reflect our current reality, but a powerful looking glass which we can travel through to imagine a world exactly how we want it.

And popular art, pop culture, matters exactly because of its popularity. It’s our mass opiate, but with more than just the ability to get us high. It came make us think. It can help change who we are. So, then, if a show about a bunch of high school students who sing and dance can help someone, somewhere out there understand the world just a tiny bit better, why not embrace that? And if a show that can help people misses an opportunity to do so, why not call it out and demand it improve? Is it a cure for cancer? No. But it’s something that has the potential to impact masses.

And in a world when we still aren’t as free, as equal, as accepted, as embraced as everyone else, every little bit of positive representation counts. If even a dumb old commercial can make you cry, it matters. It all matters. So here’s to art, in all its forms, the high brow and the low brow. The popular and obscure. The message filled and even mindless. May we never stop demanding it be better. May we always look to it to show us who we are, and who we’d like to be.

Body of a Greek goddess

Yes, I’ve been talking about Jaime Murray a lot lately. No, I will not apologize. I mean, have you seen her? You have eyes, right? Have you seen her in a bikini? In fact, my Jaime Murray obsession of late has yielded some unexpected fruits. And, yes, I mean fruits in the totally gay way. So allow me to please take you back in the my way-back machine (you say potato, I say Tardis) to a little year known as 2008. Yes, kids, think back to when we all were still starry eyed about that Hope-y Change-y thing and a show called “Valentine” appeared on our TVs. Now, you probably do not remember this show. I do not remember this show. That’s because it aired for only aired four episodes on the CW before being canceled (the last four episodes were burned off the next summer).

But those who do remember it, or those who are similarly obsessed stalkers diligent researchers like me may have found a few of the episodes online. And this is where we all have to thank Al gore again because what I found was this entirely delightful, totally gay episode of “Valentine.” First, let me set the premise for you. “Valentine” is about a group of immortal Greek gods living in modern day and acting as matchmakers for unsuspecting folks. Jaime plays the matriarch of the family, Aphrodite. One look at Jaime in her bikini and you will know where the saying, “Body of a Greek god” comes from.

The Valentine clan also enlisted a mortal human writer to help them in their matchmaking. Among their cases is an adorable little lesbian couple who dated in college. Oh, first girlfriends, how we never really escape you. If you have 20 minutes to spare, this is really too cute to pass up. Also, you get to hear Jaime say, “I’ve always had a soft spot for lesbians.” Yeah, you’re clicking play right now, aren’t you?

See? So cute. Also, the first time Aphrodite and their human sidekick meet, this happens. (Come on, I know you have a minute and 39 seconds to spare.)

I think Jaime’s Aphrodite and Anna Silk’s Bo need to get together and make the whole universe feel alright. Or, at very least, us ladies.

Liz + Leslie = Happiness

Do you know who I haven’t talked about in ages. I mean, really, AGES? My Fake TV Wife Tina Fey. As much as I’ve been enjoying the new fall TV season and some of its very promising additions, I can’t help but feel a little empty, Tina-shaped place in my heart. With “30 Rock” being delayed until mid-season, I’ve missed my weekly dose of Liz Lemon more than you can imagine. It’s not that I don’t love (love, love) the unbridled optimism and adorable competence of Leslie Knope each week. I’d be totally lost without at least a little Knope in my life. But I need the yang to that yin. I need me some Lemon. The sharply sour to all that smartly sweet. And now, as I mentioned earlier this week, the TV gods has seen it within their generous hearts to make my wildest dreams come true by programming “30 Rock” and “Parks & Recreation” back-to-back at 8 and 8:30 starting Jan. 12 on NBC. I’m already creating a “Do Not Disturb, I’m Lemon-Knoping” sign to hang on my virtual doorknob. Having Tina Fey and Amy Poehler properly together on the TV lineup means all is right with the universe again. It means two terrific comedies with two equally terrific examples of strong females who know how to bring the funny will be filling our lives for a solid hour each week. And with that, how about we get a little taste of what makes Liz and Leslie such perfect compliments to each other. Finally, my Thursday nights will be perfect again.

On Female Stereotypes

Liz on her period.


Leslie on every other stereotype.


On Food

Liz loves her Night Cheese.


Leslie loves her breakfast food.



On Bad Accents

Liz goes Jamaican.


Leslie goes cockney.


On Valentine’s Day

Liz likes oral.


Leslie likes gals.


On The Gay

Liz knows lesbians.


Leslie knows gays.

See, perfect. Hurry back to Amy, Tina. We’ve all missed you two together.

The Swan Queen

I have a new Sunday night obsession. Oh, don’t worry. My heart and pants (hot or otherwise) still belong to “Lost Girl” on Sundays. But, not being Canadian, I often end up watching closer to wee early hours of Monday. (p.s. Dude, that show takes for-freaking-ever to post.) But no, my Sunday night proper obsession is now “Once Upon a Time.” I was having a brief fling with “Pan Am.” But my interest in that show started to swan dive as soon as Dean got more screentime and the women were put on separate storylines instead of together for adventures. I canceled my DVR ticket, so to speak. But a show I’m excited to book my flight for (yes, I m totally overdoing the airplane analogies) and then some is its earlier evening network neighbor “Once Upon a Time.”

A feew episodes in and I’m pretty much hooked. And what I see is a mix of refreshingly reimagined fairytales led by strong female characters. This all makes sense if you know one of my favorite “Buffy” scribes Jane Espenson is a writer-producer on the show. It’s pretty much right up my wheelhouse what with the supernatural fantasy, powerful ladies and sly humor. That one happens to wear tank tops a lot and wield power tools is just an added bonus.

It also is the source of my latest, naughtiest ship. Yes, I totally ship Emma Swan and The Evil Queen (otherwise known as mean mayor Regina Mills). Part of it is the fantastic face-offs we’ve been treated to so far by Jennifer Morrison’s Emma and Lana Parrilla’s Regina. There’s a wicked, wicked chemistry there are the two women play their rivalry with palpable heat. In fact, I think they give each other the best hate eye sex I’ve ever seen.

It also helps that they’re already wearing each other’s clothes, as per last week’s “Enjoy my shirt, because that’s all you’re getting.” The little eyebrow arch from Emma is the thing that launches a 1,000 ships.

And then there’s the time Emma answered her hotel room door for Regina – in nothing but a tank top and underwear.

Oh, God, and the chainsaw! Sweet fancy fairytales, the chainsaw.

The lip quivering! With rage! My God, the hate sex between those two could burn down the world. Also, we have the perfect portmanteau for the pairing already: The Swan Queen. (HT, @mynlugon!)

I actually hope the show makes Regina somewhat more sympathetic, as she was in the first episode, so she’s less cartoony evil and more complexly troubled. Layers make everyone more interesting. Also they’re often flattering, you know, with winter coming up and all. Speaking of clothing, I sure hope they never increase the costume budget so Jennifer has to keep running around in tank tops and leather jackets. Because, woo doggie, do they suit her. This wardrobe is a vast improvement from all the lab coats and button ups on “House.” Man, did I miss her gorgeous, gorgeous face and perfect, perfect eyebrows on my TV every week. Plus now, she’s the cranky badass hero instead.

All this and we haven’t even discussed her mom Mary Margaret/Snow White. The lovely Ginnifer Goodwin and her pixie cut are custom-made for a fairytale. Also, I’m holding out a delusional amount of hope that Ruby/Little Red Riding Hood will turn out to like the ladies. Come on, the Manic Panic in her hair is a dead giveaway.

In summation, I hope to happily ever after for a good long time with this show. And I hope The Swan Queen keeps rage eye shagging each other into the sunset.

Solo sexy

Where does this insane notion that Hope Solo is not sexy come from? I mean it, how has this happened? What bizarro universe have we stepped into when a strong, accomplished, hard-working woman at the top of her profession is constantly, cruelly being told she just isn’t the right kind of feminine. And the key here is “the right kind” of feminine. Which, as we all know, is totally fucking bullshit. Women are beautiful, period. This is just a fact. And what makes them so beautiful isn’t their uniformity but their differences.

When it comes to Hope, what makes her beautiful (besides her ridiculously good-looking face and body that should be sculpted in marble) is her power. Yet week after week these fucknuts on “Dancing with the Stars” keep forcing her to be something else. I mean, I know “Mad Men” and retro shows are having a moment, but let’s not take the trend too far and transfer those rigid gender norms on this century. I can’t believe I have to repeat this, but apparently I do. Hey, universe, there is more than one way to be “sexy.” There is more than one way to be “feminine.” Instead of squeezing everyone into the same box, why not appreciate the magnificent variety of boxes available in the world.

Also, if you didn’t think Hope getting lessons from those females dancers was just zomgsexy then you need some sort of eye transplant because yours are clearly not working. Also abs, abs forever.

The more I think about it, the more furious I become. It’s not that I have anything against constructive criticism of her dancing. Better footwork, more fluidity and the like – things that actually make you a better dancer. But I am incensed by this seeming attack of who she is. They seem to be saying that this strong woman can’t be sexy, can’t be feminine, is inherently manlike. This idea, again, that there is one way to be sexy and that’s the “Dancing with the Stars” way. So they’re just going to keep insulting her until she conforms. And that, that’s exactly the wrong way to make someone sexy. Shaming someone into sexiness? Yeah, that totally works. You know what works? Building up someone’s confidence. Playing to someone’s strength. Also, not being a fucknut.

And what’s even more infuriating about this whole unfortunate episode is Hope is the so-called “sexy” one on the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team. She’s the one on the cover of ESPN’s The Body Issue and the one with the big endorsement deals. Are there other superstars on that team? Of course. Damn hot ones, too. Abby Wambach, Megan Rapinoe and many others. But Hope is the most stereotypically sexy of the bunch, and even she’s not sexy enough for these fucknuts on DWTS.

There’s a reason I don’t watch most reality TV, and this is it.

p.s. While my distaste for reality TV is very real (except for tasty, tasty cooking shows), I will give DWTS at least some credit this season for Chaz Bono. Lovable, huggable Chaz. The only reasons I tuned in (admittedly intermittently) to DWTS at all were 1) Hope and 2) Chaz. And I cheered both on, unabashedly. But my cheering for Chaz was purposeful, a middle finger to the hordes of hate. And, even though he left last night, I think he did a great service to folks watching at home who have never met anyone who fits the T in GLBT. Good job, man, very good job.

Death become her, unfortunately

TV shows need to stop killing Jaime Murray. I mean it. Cut that shit out. Immediately. And, no, I’m still not over the Warehouse 13 finale yet. But, seriously, this is more than a trend. This is an epidemic. It’s gotten so when I see her on screen my emotions go to DEFCON 1. Impending death ahead. Take cover, take cover. This will all end in tears.

Think I’m kidding? Let’s review. (p.s. If you haven’t watched “Dexter,” “Spartacus: Gods of the Arena” or “Warehouse 13,” there be major spoilers ahead…)

DexterShe plays NA sponsor/pyromaniac Lila, who meets a grisly end.

SpartacusShe plays Lucretia’s friend and sometimes lover Gaia, who meets a grisly end.

Warehouse 13She plays former Warehouse 12 agent, would-be world ender and Myka eye sex partner H.G. Wells, who meets what appears to be a grisly (or at the very least explosive) end.

And those are just he shows she had recurring roles on. She even dies when she guest stars. “Eli Stone” – she dies. “The Mentalist” – she dies. “Agatha Christie’s Poirot” – she dies. Are we getting the picture?

SERIOUSLY, TV, CUT THAT SHIT OUT.

Jaime is currently on “Ringer” and I’m just counting the days until her character ends up dead. Well, actually I’m just counting the days until she shows up again (maybe tonight – pretty, pretty please). Still when she does will Sarah Michelle Gellar have to kill her to save her Bridget/Siobhan secret? Will Jaime construct a protective force field to save Bridget/Siobhan so the lies they’ve spun don’t blow up in their face, but in the process gets blown up herself leaving fangirls everywhere crying onto the Tumblr dashboards. Am I projecting wildly? Possibly. But if past is precedent I wouldn’t get too attached.

Oh, Jaime. If only your ability to bring The Gay to my television wasn’t followed shortly by your ability to bring The Grim Reaper.

Castle Katic

Do you know who I’ve recently discovered? Stana Katic. I know I put her on my “Unsnubbed” list earlier this year. But truth be told I just never watched “Castle.” This makes no sense because I love crime procedurals and I love Captain Tightpants. But I think the concept always bugged me a bit. A mystery writer who works for the police? I’m a writer and even I am like, um, hey now what now? (Also, don’t get me started on the concept for “The Mentalist.”)

But last week as I was finishing up my mandatory Team Hope and Team Chaz DVR fast forwarding of DWTS, I left the channel on and caught the beginning of “Castle.” Or, let’s say, I tried to catch the beginning of “Castle.” Mostly I just stared open-mouthed at the screen and thought, JESUS STANA KATIC IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. I have no idea what the plot of the show was. I have no idea whether I liked the show or not. I have no idea about anything other than razor cheekbones and flowing hair and leather jackets.

Now I understand after doing some research (it’s for science, people, for science), that Stana wasn’t always allowed to shine quite as much. She had more of a regulation lady cop haircut and sense of style. I mean compare her early publicity photos to her current publicity photos for the show. It’s like the showrunners finally gave up and said, “Fuck it, our star is ridiculously beautiful. Go with it.”

And last week, well – low whistle. Of course, it does stretch the realm of credulity a bit to have this spectacular specimen of the female form walking around with perfectly wind-blown hair and glamour make-up pretending to catch bad guys. But you have to go with your strength. And here, with all due respect to Nathan Fillion and his extreme degree of hunkiness and likeability, your strength is Stana Katic. Seriously, guys, I would happily watch this show on mute. In fact, I just might tonight.

A week without gay

All my gay or should-be-gay shows are on break or on mini-hiatus this week. It’s very distressing. “Warehouse 13,” “Lost Girl,” “Rizzoli & Isles,” “Pretty Little Liars,” “Glee.” Where has the gay gone? Instead I’ve been forced to sit through a long, dry week without their gay charms. Thank heavens for the budding subtext on “2 Broke Girls” or I’d be totally awash in heterosexuality. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are heterosexual. But I wish they wouldn’t, you know, flaunt it on the TV and everything. I mean, they can be whoever they want in private, I don’t know why they have to be so out there. Sheesh. Though, in times like these, I turn to the light for salvation. And by “light,” I of course mean fanvids on YouTube. They are like a lighthouse guiding all our missing ships back to safety.

Bless you, fangirls. Bless you and your Final Cut Pro very much for getting me through these terribly dull waters.

Warehouse 13

Even Hitler isn’t over the finale yet, people. Hitler.

Lost Girl

I swear to faeking God, if Bo and Lauren don’t at least kiss next episode I am going to explode from the sexual tension and then send the “Lost Girl” writers the clean-up bill.

Rizzoli & Isles

Nov. 28 still feels a million years away. Someone please kiss my nose with a giant stuffed teddy bear and make it all better.

Pretty Little Liars

I’ve decided I don’t ship Emily with Maya or Paige or Samara. I ship Emily with Hanna. Because those two, those two actually have chemistry together – onscreen and off.

Glee

It feels naughty to ship a threesome. The good kind of naughty.

In fandom we trust. You’re always there for us, always.